Sometimes all you can do is wonder what you are where you are how you are there aren’t any answers to these because these are not the questions that you are looking answers for. You are seeking meaning meaning out of life meaning out of your mundane routine but it’s okay to give in to the grind, it’s way easier to be someone that follows and way difficult to be someone that leads. Following although some people will say isn’t something you should do but remember it’s okay just find a person worth following, not everyone is meant to be a leader.
I have spent my whole life wondering and wandering here and there, maybe if I had done something differently i would be somewhere better but the thing is I am right where I want to be, my friends and family think I am joking when I say this but trust me I am not, I spent nearly entirety of my life viewing happiness through my mother’s eyes the spark in her eyes made me feel that maybe I was doing something right, that maybe if she stayed happy I would be happy, I used to think i will be happy as long as I could see her smile, but then one morning she wasn’t there the doctor said you were late to bring her to the hospital.
For a few years, idk three or four years I absolutely had no idea what I was doing I would go to work, I would sit and do something that I can’t recall anymore, work became an escape and that’s all I needed a escape i enrolled myself into a post grad programme which I am not sure how I did, it’s all hazy, I feel it helped me or I would like to think it helped me, but you can only treat life as a distraction for so long. It felt like I was awake but I was asleep to everything around me.
By the time I woke up I felt it was too late, the world had moved on I had done irreperable damage to my life to my career to everything i once held dear, don’t get me wrong all that was close to me lost it’s charm on that day when they pronounced her dead, death is something that’s absolute and that’s what I like about life the absolute end that this will end that this is not permanent. I will maybe one day look back and wonder what I did wrong why i did wrong and place the blame on my mothers death but that’s something i don’t want to do i have to take full responsibility for my actions and I have to improve myself.
As that Oasis song goes “times are hard when things have got no meaning” but I finally feel i have found the meaning mostly in mundane in seeing my family happy in learning new things, in learning how to learn, joys that I find now are not for the things I wanted when my amma was alive. The things I wanted then moved on without me now is the time for me to move on as well moving on doesn’t mean that I will stop missing her, she will always be with me but I feel she will be happy if I did something different in life.
I will forever miss amma but maybe I can start living a little now.